Develop the Family Game Plan

How can I help my child succeed in the athletic environment?

We are not neutral observers when it comes to our children. We are biased. We see our children in a light different from the other children out on the field. And this is natural. We want the best for our children. We want them to succeed. But, because in our society success and achievement are the interchangeable primary goal, many parents feel this means pushing their child to higher and higher levels in hopes of that scholarship or sports career. This is not success - in parenting or in sports.

The best way to help your child succeed is to create a healthy, supportive and realistic home environment. Develop a family game plan. Be sure that the child is playing in pursuit of his own goals and not those of his parents. Put sports in their proper place by assessing your own attitude and your child's motivations. Resist micro-managing your child's sports participation, so that he can develop the ability to problem solve with coaches and teammates and opponents. Do discuss the values of achievement, progression and hard work but encourage curiosity and seeking out new challenges. If he feels safe and supported in the family, he will test his skills without fear of punishment or criticism if he fails. And remember: struggle is good for children. It helps them grow into strong adults.

Step #1 Take the Family Assessment

I. What is the level of sports tension in your family?

a. Think back to the last time your child lost a game. Jot down your recollections of some of the words, attitudes, actions of family members that evening. (What was positive about the experience? How would you like the atmosphere to be different next time? What things could you do to make that happen?)

b. How well can you articulate your child's own dreams and goals for sports involvement? Write some of your hunches below. Then go and check it out with your child.

c. Think about your dreams for your children in sports. If you seem to be pushing your own dreams instead of theirs, what is a first step can you take to begin letting go? Write your idea here:

II. Seriously Plan for Fun

a. What is your definition of "fun" in sports?

b. What would you guess is your child's definition?

c. Check your guess with your child and talk about this issue together. Then consider what steps you could take to adjust your attitudes and actions to better meet your child's expectations for fun?

III. What is the motivational makeup of your child?

a. According to your observations so far, would you say your child is a "push" (has internal motivation to get going) or a "pull" (needs encouragement to participate) personality? Jot down some reasons for your answer.

b. What indications do you have that your child has perfectionist tendencies?

c. What practical things could you begin doing to help your child pursue excellence in sports and other areas?

IV. How is your child's character developing through sports? Are life lessons hitting home?

a. What good qualities do you see developing in him or her because of sports participation?

b. What aspects of an "impact player" do you see developing in your child? Some of these might be:

Steady skills
Perform consistently at a high level
They are a force on their team. (and in the game of life)
They know who they are as people. They have a healthy language of self-respect as well as a language to talk about their feelings.
They know how to use their native abilities to the best advantage.
They have confidence and self-esteem because they know their motivation bubbles up from within.
They trust their ability to perform. When they walk on the field they know - and everybody around them senses- that good things will start to happen.

c. Where can you help him grow?

d. Is there anything about our child's participation that is having a negative effect? What can you do to remedy this situation?

e. Ask your child what he is learning through sports. Any enlightening insights?

Step #2 Take the Parental Assessment

I. Be sure you are getting your own needs met so you can best meet the needs of your child. Where do you fall on the comparison extremes listed beneath each need?

a. Bonding with your child: being the adult vs. trying to be best friends.

b. Wanting my child's happiness: keeping parents at the center of the family vs. putting him/her on a pedestal

c. Feeling Significant: a. mainly looking to myself vs. mainly looking to my child

d. when it comes to my desire for excitement and meaning in life, I: pay close attention to my needs vs. attempt to ignore my needs

II. Determine your basic game-day personality and work on turning its weaknesses into strengths.

a. What is my game day personality? (analyzing/critiquing, dutiful, withdrawn, passive/apathetic/disengaged, cheerleading/overbearing, rambunctious/loud/intimidating, courtside coach/results-oriented, behind the scenes coach/critical of child's performance)

b. Would my child agree?

c. What are the strengths and weaknesses of this style?

d. What is one weakness I'd like to work on?

Step #3 Take the Kid Assessment

I. Show that you're actively interested in what they care about. Don't assume. Find out what your children actually want.

a. Set up a time to ask your child about the things they want from you, from the family, from sports.

b. Here are 7 ways kids say they want parents to support their sports experience. Which "wants" seem to apply most directly to your own child?

We want you to know that coach is our boss here
We want you to know that yelling doesn't help.
We want you to know who we really are.
We want our training to have limits.
We want you to avoid over-protecting.
We want to be honest with you.
We want you to be there so we can touch base.

c. Choose 2 or 3 of the kid-wants that you'd like to supply more of.

Step #4 Take the "Coach" Assessment

I. In coach-conflict situations, first pull back so you can view things through the eyes of the coach.

a. When was the last time you felt frustrated or angry about a coach's decisions, attitudes or strategies? What did you do?

b. Imagine being your child's coach for a moment. (if you are the coach skip to II below)

What pressures do you feel?
What sense do you have of support from the parents?
What attitudes from the parents and the players do you most appreciate?
What things, coming from the parents, would help you the most? The least?

c. How have you helped your child learn to relate to coaches? What are some next steps you can take to help your child grow more confident about this?

II. You are the Coach

a. Ask yourself why you are coaching? Ask the kids and their families why they are playing?

Are your practices and game strategies designed to achieve these goals?
Are your practices and game strategies healthy for your child? (see kid assess.)
Are your practices and game strategies healthy for you? (see parent assess.)

b. Recruit a strong assistant coach who can be a primary coaching presence for your child and will give you honest feedback about your coaching and the team.

c. Keep the lines of communication open among the families on the team.

Clearly establish your coaching philosophy and communicate it regularly to families.
Appoint parental liaisons or a steering committee to provide regular parental feedback.
Establish guidelines about the best time and place to receive parental feedback.
Be secure enough in your coaching to value suggestions from your team.